I’ve been doing this blog for just over a year now. September 29, 2012 I sat right where I am now and decided to put it all out there. I had shit to say and needed to say it. I was also curious if maybe there were other moms out there who wanted to hear what I had to say. I started this so anyone could peek in here and see that my life is as messy as the next person and I’m mostly ok with that. Writing it all down helped me realize I’m not ashamed of the stories I’ve written where I admit I told my kid to shut up or F-off. Or the times I told you I put my children in front of the tv and had a glass of wine. Or when I screamed so loud I scared my kids and myself.
But the biggest reason I started doing this? I felt like a fraud. I thought about all the times people would tell me what a great mom I was or what a great job I was doing and I’d look at them and smile and say thank you and inside I was thinking “Are you kidding me? I am totally shitting the bed here. I feel like I’m messing up everything”
And in doing this, I’m realizing that I am messing up. And it’s ok. As long as at the end of most days I can say “Yup, I feel good about today” or “Holy crap that was awful, my kids must hate me right now. I’ll do better tomorrow” then I am a great mom. And I am doing a great job.
Admitting what I was doing wrong has helped me see all I’m doing right.
And so, this being Thanksgiving weekend, I’m thankful that I can air my personal shitshow and you all still love me. And I’m thankful that once again I can remember the rest of the stuff I’m thankful for.
Like all bendaboo’s tests coming back as normal as they can be for him. And that we have nothing else scheduled except his regular 6 month check. And that I had family all around when we had to put him through those tests.
That my kids love school, their teachers and love to get on that bus every day. Except when they’re really late or freaking out about their (her) hair or clothes and then I freak out and then they (she) get on the bus with out saying goodbye.
That spreeny-beany has finally found a sport he is passionate about. Watching him grow to love football more and more is amazing.
Pretty girl finally getting to go out on her own a little bit and be confidant to do things without me. And that I can be strong enough to let her go.
That I and the rest of my extended family got to walk and celebrate a very special auntie who very courageously fought and beat breast cancer.
That I have a really cool new dog and an old dog who is happy on her medicine and just might make it through the winter.
That I was interrupted writing this to help Eric do something in his Highlights magazine, to make Ben into a hot dog and pretend to eat him and to go and get pretty girl from her sleepover.
That my life is becoming less and less about doctors and specialists and appointments. That I’ve stopped tensing up every time someone coughs. That I no longer have a bag packed in my closet to take to the hospital. That I hardly ever look for bendaboo’s clothes, or have to look for bendaboo and that I spend more time just living. That my kids are growing up and becoming responsible, really cool people.
Except this afternoon when bendaboo was peeing outside on a tree and his brother walked by him.
Then Ben was not peeing on the tree and was peeing on his brother’s leg.
But honestly, life would be so boring if I didn’t do things like chase my baby boy while he ran away as fast as he could while still pulling up his pants.
And on that note…Happy Thanksgiving everyone!